It's Time...

Here I am...you've seen me on facebook - so you know I haven't left the planet. It's been a long while, and I've come to accept that I'm a 'once in a while' blogger. Ok, ok, maybe a 'once every nine months' blogger - but again, I've accepted it. I encourage you to do the same. Let go....just let go.... Control - what a strange thing we all think we have. I absolutely love to disillusion myself with the feeling of having control. Maybe 'love' is the wrong word - 'plaqued for life with this annoying sinful nature' might be a better one. But, anywhooo, it's this fake control that I continue to push against on the journey I'm on, here are just a few examples...

Kids are the ultimate, 'you are not in control' frequency meters.  I am fortunate enough to have the two age groups represented in my house that are the greatest contributors to the 'out of control' category.  A 5th grader and a pre-schooler.  5th Grade...that nasty spot between I'm a little kid and I'm the big kid now.  The countless eye rolls and talk back comments I get in a day could compete on the level of the political debates we've been enduring lately.  In addition to this, homework has now reached above my grade level.  Yes, I have a college degree, but for some reason 5th grade math has been completely deleted from my memory bank.  This makes for interesting evenings at our house.  On the other hand, I have a lippy, don't make me eat that, I think I'm really a 16 year old in a pre-schooler body that also lives here.  Between the two of them, any hopes of control I had have quickly flown out the unopened window in my kitchen that has two days worth of dishes in the sink.  The one flint of a controlled looking situation I do have is that I am still able to help with my pre-schoolers homework; unfortunately because he is really 16, he wants to do it all on his own.

There are so many more things that would make my life easier if only I could control them...people, work, finances, income, past mistakes, future mistakes that need to teach me a lesson, the fact that Sonic happy hour is only from 2-5, when really it should be an all day thing.  The list could go on and on.  I am challenged daily with the notion that forgiveness is the key to letting go of the control.  Forgiving myself, accepting God's forgiveness as well as others. Resting in the fact that things aren't perfect and if they are done differently than I would do them, it doesn't make them wrong.  I could probably have suggested a better way...but again, it doesn't make them wrong.  :)

So, I am thankful.  Thankful that I have the computer and a calculator to make me look like 5th grade math is really my 'speciality'.  Thankful that I have a house to clean, children to love, dogs to pet (only when they look really pathetically at me) and a husband who loves me despite my controlling tendencies - and in fact loves me more because of them.  He says that, I'm not really sure I believe him.  Thankful that I am able to see that controlling myself is really the one thing I can control, and that God hasn't given up on me in my effort to do so.  And mostly thankful for the God that is in control.  Without that security - there would be no reason to be thankful. 

And to those of you who have been involved with me as I was having one of my fits of need to control, I am truly sorry.  If you haven't been, I can't promise that you won't be.  But, I do know that admitting is one of the first steps of solving it - so just be gentle.  One thing that I will respond to is for you to begin singing Janet Jackson's 'Control' to me softly...I'll get the picture.  I will be laughing hysterically, but I will get the picture.  For my fellow 'control freaks' - you know who you are.  No matter how big the problem is for you, God is bigger.  He loves you, and me - controlling nature and all.